“If
I treated you the way you treated me, then you would hate me.”
-
Sushan R. Sharma
O
|
ften times
you come across a woman who is continually mentally tainted with the failings
of a man who repeatedly and blatantly cheats on her and abuses her with little
or no regard for her honour or dignity and the sanctity of her life, and yet
she stays. She becomes a physical and emotional wreck, devoid of any meaningful
esteem and sense of self-worth, and yet she stays. And then you wonder, “Could
it be out of love?”
 |
| Crying Young Woman |
Well, the
truth is it could be, but not necessarily. There are a number of reasons a
woman stays with a cheating man who doubles as an abuser. And not all of them have
to do with love or the feminine virtue spoken of in the Book of Proverbs.
So, as I did
some digging and research into why a lady would be perpetually cheated on and repeatedly
abused by her partner (both married ones and those yet to marry) and yet she
stays, I was faced with certain hard truths. Some of them made sense. Others? Well,
others…others I leave to you to decide.
Let’s take
a look at the 10 reasons most women stay in a cheating and abusive relationship:
1. She
dreads being alone.
When a woman finds herself in a
relationship and has opened her heart to love and loving her man, she usually
doesn’t wish to go back to being alone again. Fear of being alone and the ugly
feeling of knowing you’ve been dumped for another – probably younger, prettier,
richer or sexier – woman can really keep her in such a relationship even when
she wants to leave. Most women don’t
like the idea of losing out to a rival. In addition, life’s challenges are best
faced with someone to share them with than by yourself – all alone.
My advice
Learn to
love yourself and find things to do that make you happy without necessarily
needing him to guarantee your happiness. Give your life meaning by engaging in
a hobby that keeps your time rightfully utilized whenever he is not around. It
could be volunteering in a good charitable cause, writing a book, singing, or
even joining a dancing group or taking music lessons or learning a new trade. Enjoy
the time you spend on and with him. But also enjoy the time you spend on and
with yourself.
2.
His
status is important to her social standing
Most women
are afraid to confront their cheating and abusive partners because they care
more about their public image and the hit it will take without him. So, they
stay in the relationship and try to wither it out however and whatever it takes.
This is particularly the case with women who married important personalities
and celebrities like governors, presidents, other political figures, Alhajis, CEOs
of big corporations, actors, musicians, etc. Imagine a woman who is a
governor’s wife suddenly becomes an ex-wife? Imagine all the attention and
benefits she stands to lose from her change in status? Truth is: most women
would tolerate the worst abuses to stay in that relationship just to keep their
status. His name and status opens doors for her. Why would she want to lose that
now?
My advice
Rather
than define yourself by his status, you should build one for yourself. The
thing is that most women out there today are too lazy to cut their own teeth
and make their own mark in the world out there. They see the only way to a
resounding and eminent social status as through the wealth and status of their
man. You don’t have to be that woman. Pursue a career you love. Build a name for yourself through the use of
your God’s given talent and maybe you don’t have to use his status as the only
standing you have in the society.
3.
She
has a secret agenda
When a man
cheats repeatedly on her woman and abuses her (physically and/or emotionally)
and yet she stays, there are often hidden reasons to why she stays nonetheless.
Just like in the status example above, a woman often considers certain
scenarios before leaving a relationship – especially when she stands to gain
more than she loses. She could be waiting for the right time to take the walk or
secretly and quietly planning her revenge. She could be using him to achieve a
job position she’s after, to complete her fees payment through the university,
aiding her family to a certain level, seeing her children through school or
getting enough financial backbone to set up on her own and so on. Point is: when
a woman has a certain secret agenda she’s pursuing, she often doesn’t mind
staying until that agenda is materialized.
My advice
It’s a
risky business being in a relationship with a hidden agenda other than a love
agenda. Except the hidden agenda is for the greater good, I wouldn’t recommend
it. It’s risky and could backfire. Confront the abuse and your abusive partner
and try to deal with it honestly and assertively. Seek the professional advice
of Psychologists or relationship counsellors to guide your decisions. If he
continues to cheat and doesn’t end his abusive ways, then you must begin to
redefine that relationship before the damage becomes irreversible.
4.
She
has a growth orientation to relationships
There are
two major beliefs/orientations to relationships. These implicit beliefs define our
mindset and the approaches we take to relationship issues. They are a) destiny
belief and b) growth belief. An individual with destiny belief often stays
while the relationship works, and walks when it doesn’t. On the other hand,
those with growth belief often stick it out through good times and in bad with
the hope things would eventually turn around and the relationship grows. Women
who endure abusive relationships often fall in the later belief category, and
try to see the bad times through with patient endurance. Their hope in the
belief that the relationship is salvageable keeps them going. It becomes their
strength.
My advice
Every
relationship deserves the chance to work. Some abuses stop. Others do not. How
do you tell? If you must endure the abuse, first ask yourself, “Why?”; “Would
it be worth it in the end?” If it wouldn’t, then wasting your time and life in
it could be dangerous. But then not everything is black and white in
relationships. So, know when to stick with it and know when to say enough is
enough. But candidly, it is better to try to work things out and walk them
through than to run away at the first huddle that comes your way. Pray to God
for wisdom. Act with courage. But don’t try to win every battle. Some are a
lost cause right from the beginning. There is no saving for such. Not everyone
will be saved; same too with relationships.
5.
She
accepts he’s not perfect
Some women
have a natural tendency to expect less from their man in terms of being that
dream “Mr. PERFECT!” They easily explain away the man’s inadequacies and
failings – chucking it to ‘to err is human…’ They’d rather overlook it and forgive his ‘sins’
claiming, ‘…to forgive is divine.’ This scenario plays out in most abusive
homes where the woman stays with the cheating and abusive man despite physical and
emotional evidences she should do the contrary. This mindset of human fallibility imposes on her a
tendency to be receptive to the abuse as well as persevere in the relationship
in spite of the pain and hurt.
My advice
It’s true
that true love heals all wounds. But it’s also true that true love is not one-sided.
There is always a limit to what the human body (physical) and mind (emotional)
can take. Human fallibility doesn’t permit anyone to abuse you or perpetually
cheat on you without any respect for your person – your dignity and your
commitment to the relationship. If he’s willing to change, then forgive him and
come to a fidelity-agreement as well
as a nonviolence-agreement with him (don’t
forget to pray for him throughout). If he keeps to it and prove beyond doubt he’s
changed, then stay with him and show him love. If he doesn’t, then your life is
too precious to waste around a dishonourable, destructive, perennially abusive
and distastefully insincere man. You have to walk to save yourself – and him
from a murder charge. If he’s meant for you and is meant to change, he will
find his way back to you a changed man – a better person. If he doesn’t, then
you’ve saved two lives. Though it may hurt, but true love will find you and
your heart will learn to love and be loved again.
So, there
you have it. The first part of 10
reasons women stay with a cheating and abusive man in a relationship. Watch
out for the concluding article in Part 2, to follow shortly.
I hope this article has helped you, especially those of you who can identify and relate with the content of the article. Please follow my blog to stay informed and updated with timeless information and advice on matters of love and relationships, beauty, fitness, Nollywood, business success and sound mind. I would love to hear what lessons you have learned in your own relationships. Please, feel free to leave me a comment in the comment section below.
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Stay happy, stay blessed!
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